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Where Is She Now?
North Carolina
Forgiveness: Why Giving Up Hope is a Good Thing
Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past. ~ from Leaving the Saints, by Martha Beck
I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.
Usually, when we think of forgiveness, it’s about forgiving other people for things they have ‘done to us’.
There is a flip side.
The forgiveness I’ve been wrestling with is forgiving myself.
I have been surprised (knocked flat, if you want to know the truth) by how strongly the past has come back to revisit me, even as I move into this new way of being, this in-the-present life. All kinds of regret over past decisions, and deep, profound grief. Even the most resilient mascara wilts in the face of this, let me tell you!
When this all started, I thought, is this how it’s gonna be? My need and desire to make this shift, and I’m thwarted by my own memories of what has passed? My unhappiness with past decisions so strong that I’m unable to move forward?
Turns out, the answer to that is, happily, a big N.O!
By seeking out ways to deal with this, I have come across some truths:
1.     There is nothing but the present. It is all you can change, and all you have. The past is gone, even if its memory comes by for an occasional visit (kinda like kids who’ve left home and pop in asking for a loan, a loan from your energy in the present that will never be repaid).
2.    Regret is a gift, as long as you see it for what it is. Regret’s true calling is to let you know what you need to do differently in the present. And believe me, opportunities to make use of that knowledge will present themselves, big time!
3.    The strength, the depth of your sorrow and grief is an awesome indicator of how much you need to change your current thinking and behavior in that area. Listen to that! Girl, is it ever trying to tell you something important.
4.    This kind of episode is like an invitation from the Queen (or a summons from the White House): it cannot be ignored (this is where my Canadian schooling comes to the fore!). Oh, you may choose not to respond right now, but it’ll crop up again and again until you really and truly GET it.
One benefit of these kids of the past dropping by is that you can, in retrospect, see turning points when you had opportunities to follow the way of the heart and soul, and you chose not to. And here we are again.
This time, though, I am listening.
And more importantly, I am choosing something different. Which brings me to this last truth.
5.    Choose radical self-acceptance. Treat your regrets with compassion. Let your decisions of the past go, and forgive yourself. Give up all hope of having had a different past. And above all, love yourself. That’s all it’s ever about anyway – everything springs from that, including your capacity to love other people and to make a difference in the world.
So when regrets come to visit you, invite them in and find out what they have to teach you. And then treat them with all the love and compassion you can muster – it’s all that they, and you, deserve.
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Comments
14 Comments on Forgiveness: Why Giving Up Hope is a Good Thing
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Allen Proctor
on Wed, 9th Mar 2011 7:48 am
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Yolanda Garfield
on Sat, 12th Mar 2011 4:00 pm
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Carol Cox
on Mon, 14th Mar 2011 2:02 pm
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Kimberly
on Tue, 15th Mar 2011 10:19 am
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Kathy Troidle Jackson
on Wed, 16th Mar 2011 10:15 am
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Stacey
on Thu, 19th May 2011 10:29 am
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Natalie
on Thu, 5th Jan 2012 5:52 pm
Wow, Ursula! Thich Naht Hanh and Eckart Tolle could learn a thing or two from you about brevity and clarity. This is a brilliantly brief and inspiring summary of a practice that I find to be very difficult yet absolutely essential. Thank you for the insight and encouragement that many of us gain from your sharing of your experience.
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Very interesting post, very challenging read. Having lived a bit myself, I understand about visitations from the past, and grief. Your approach is a battle cry and a process; I can appreciate it. Hopefully some day I’ll be evolved enough to say I’ve done it.
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Ursula Jorch
March 14th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
It sure is a process, Yolanda. Since it resonated with you, then I suspect you are already doing it!
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Powerful post. Thank you.
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Ursula Jorch
March 14th, 2011 at 4:54 pm
I’m glad you were affected by it – it’s dialogs like this that get us all thinking about ways to be more conscious in our lives. I appreciate your contribution!
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Beautiful, well-crafted post, Ursula. Thank you for your insights!
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Ursula Jorch
March 15th, 2011 at 10:28 am
You are welcome Kimberly! Great to hear from you!
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Love this, Ursula! I think we focus on forgiving others so much that we forget that it is ourselves we must forgive for the way to be clear. You are showing us such an amazing example of how to do this properly and what happens when you succeed. Brava! And thank you for all the inspiration!
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Ursula Jorch
March 16th, 2011 at 10:26 pm
It’s really two sides of the same coin, forgiving both ourselves and others. It takes both to really move on. I’m glad you found the post inspiring!
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Ursula, I remembered this post the other day. You planted a seed amongst others that were being planted… and I had a harvest in Asheville 
I had a breakthrough of a lifetime. I won’t get into it, but the key was removing the judgment of the past and choosing simply to learn from it instead. Profound. Thank you.
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Ursula Jorch
May 19th, 2011 at 10:44 am
Wow, Stacey, that is so awesome to hear! I love that you have been able to take those seeds and grow yourself a garden of your own making – wonderful you!
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That is such a clear and powerful post, Ursula — on a very important topic I haven’t seen addressed in other places. It’s also very topical for me these days… Longing for self-forgiveness has come up in my journalling, but I haven’t had clarity around how to get there, except through prayer. I think my prayers led me to this post! I will print it out and put it up on my wall.
PS The concept of regret as a gift blows my mind!
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Ursula Jorch
January 6th, 2012 at 9:12 am
It is such an important issue, isn’t it? We all wrestle with it, and our ability to meet it affects all our lives. Thank you for sharing your own experience, Natalie – it’s a gift to me, and to everyone who reads it.
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I would love to hear from you, as would other readers, so add your comments below!
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Ursula Jorch
Reply:
March 9th, 2011 at 11:55 pm
You are welcome, Allen! So glad you found it helpful
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